Time to talk about it: My postpartum depression

Postpartum depression. Something I've only mentioned here and there on my blog... and, always said I would talk about more in the future... but, never got around to doing it (maybe avoiding it?).

I started my blog in April 2010 to deal and hopefully find other ladies going through the same thing I was. I know my depression was probably worse because of the birth I had and trying to deal with a newborn all at once: that was really hard for me. 

When Ruari was born I didn't even really understand I had just had a baby and what really happened to me until about a week later. I know it was the morphine and the other VERY strong drugs they had me on, but I was able to be disconnected from everything that first week (and, I was in a hospital with nurses doing everything for me).

Christmas day 2009 was thee day I started noticing something... I know it was the normal Baby Blues from all the hormones surging through me... but, I was crying at EVERY single thing. Mike was worried about me, but I told him the nurses said the baby blues would get better with some time... but, if I was still like this by February... to start worrying about me.

So, the days went on. Ruari wouldn't nurse... I was pumping for her nonstop so we could bottle feed her my breast milk... I'm dealing with building back up my blood supply from what I had lost... barely able to hold Ruari because my surgery pain was so bad... needing Mike to be in the bathroom while I showered to make sure I didn't pass out... not getting enough sleep because I had a newborn... I was emotionally turning into a hot mess.

One of my BIGGEST stresses was the fact that Ruari never breastfed. I'd say maybe she latched on and fed a total of 10 times? Maybe... never enough to fill her. I had PLENTY of milk... enough for everyone! ;) But, she just wasn't having it. I felt like I would be a bad mom if I didn't feed her breastmilk... so, I kept trying to get her to breast feed. I continued to try for 3 months. Nothing. She didn't want to breastfeed. That was it. Those first 3 months of me trying to get her to breast feed were terribly stressful. I wanted her to do it so badly... and, I was told she would... and to not give up! I cried so much from her never feeding directly from me. I had already lost my chance to ever have a natural birth... now I'd lose my chance to ever feel the connection through breastfeeding? If you're wondering... she NEVER ended up breastfeeding from me and I pumped for her for a whole year.

I felt like I was going through all of this alone. My friends and family all worked days (my sister lives in New Zealand) and I was at home... totally sleep deprived... dealing with my emotions... and a crying baby that only wanted to be held... for hours alone.... every day. I was beginning to feel smothered and I started to not like my baby. I HATED every time I thought about not liking her. I started to hate myself for hating my situation. It's hard to explain how I felt... but, everything just felt so heavy. I started to regret ever having a baby... If I had never had a baby I wouldn't have almost lost my life... I wouldn't be this exhausted and hating myself.... life would be better. That's what I thought. 

Mike was REALLY starting to worry about me now. He finally decided that it was time to do something. He stopped listening to me saying, "Oh, I'm fine... I'm just tired." It wasn't true anyway. I wasn't fine... I just wanted to BE fine. I was not. So, he found a postpartum therapist for me... scheduled me an appointment... got my sister (who was home for a couple months from New Zealand) to watch my baby... and made sure I went. I did. I pretty much sat down on the therapist's sofa and started crying before she even opened her mouth. I was a mess. A complete mess. 

My therapists ended up prescribing me some depression meds. I was VERY weary of actually taking them. While I knew I needed them, I didn't want any drugs to get into the breastmilk I was feeding Ruari... and, I didn't want to give her formula (so silly, I know). I actually held onto my prescription for a couple of weeks before I actually did anything with it. What really helped me in the direction to start was my friend Kelsey. She asked me what I thought was better: being totally depressed and not connecting with my baby because I was afraid to get drugs in her system... or... to take these drugs to help me out of what I was going through so I could be a happy mama for my child. That was it. I started taking them. I know for a fact I would not have been able to get out of my fog without these meds. I am not a 'medicate for everything' kind of girl... but, this was necessary.

After about a week of medicating... I started to feel better. I was coming out of the fog... things that normally sent me into tears were no longer doing that. I was feeling better. I started to enjoy my baby instead of dread the time I spent with her. I started up my Paper Mama blog and found this amazing world of supportive blogging mama's and daddy's that had gone through... or were going through what I had been.

The reason why I decided to FINALLY talk about my depression: because I'm hoping there's some new mama out there I can help. A new mama that is going through the same thing I was and is in need of a little love and support. The best thing I learned was that I'm not alone. I'm not the only one getting no sleep and feeling so depressed. It's a rough patch that pretty much every mom goes through (some more than others) and to not be scared to reach out and ask a friend, family member, or even online blogging friend for advice or even just to listen to your story. It's important to talk about what you're feeling. Holding it in only makes it harder to deal with. Especially if you have any thoughts of hurting your baby. While I never had these thoughts, I know it can be common for postpartum mom's to think this. Don't hold it in. Tell someone and ask for some help.

I just wanted to point out that I'm not telling everyone to go out and get some depression drugs... they just helped me. I'm still currently taking them... but, I'm weaning off of them and am just about done! I will probably be done with them by the end of August. Yay! They were important for me... but, I'm ready to get off of them. :)

I still have my bad days... when I don't get enough sleep or when Ruari is melting down every 5 minutes. BUT, it's nothing like it was before! I'm happy. That's huge. 

So, if you made it through the longest post ever.. thanks! I hope this helps someone out there. Thanks for ALL of your support! All of you. :)

♡ Chelsey

Warby Parker's.

So... I have had the same glasses for about... 5 years now? Which is fine... I still like them. BUT, I'm a wee bit bored. I discovered Warby Parker one Sunday morning and instantly fell in love! It's a very young business... but, an awesome one! $95 for every pair of frames! Amazing. AND, in addition to the low cost... Warby Parker donates a pair of glasses for each pair you buy (sort of like TOMS).

Another neat thing.... they have a 5 for 5 program! Yes, they will send you 5 pairs of glasses for 5 days for FREE! They encourage you to try them on... take some photos... and ask your friends what they think! So, that's what I'm doing. Right here. Right now.

Which do you like best? Out of the 5 my favorites are Roosevelt, Miles and Owen. Webb was too tight.... while Thatcher just seemed WAY too big for me. What do you guys think? These 5 have been sent back to their Warby Parker home... and, I may just order another 5, including the 3 I like, with 2 different styles. Hmmmm....

And, if you all get a moment.... 

I'd LOVE a vote! :D

♡ Chelsey

Wordless{ish} Wednesday: Helloooooo new tattoooo.

{linked to black and white wednesday}

{There she is. My sweet new tattoo. I've had the flowers on my shoulder for about three years now... and, have been scheming out my newest addition ever since then! I wanted it to sort of be a continuation of the shoulder tat. There's a honey bee by my wrist... she represents Ruari for me... AND, I also added two bees on the front and back of my shoulder... these represent Mike and I.}

{I had planned to add more branches/touch up my original tat, but because of the surprise Angus butt surgery costs... I thought it was best to scale it down. :) Maybe this fall I can add more? :) And, I wont be filling it in. It's done with grey ink and she just did some shading. Exactly how I wanted it. It will fade more and look as light as my shoulder in... I don't know... 3 years? :D}

{Let's talk about my amazing tattoo artists... Traci Manley from New Rose Tattoo in Portland, OR. She did the original... and then she did my addition. She's so talented. Please check out her website and visit her portfolio. She's awesome. AND... hey! If you're in Portland and need a tat... why not schedule one real quick at New Rose Tattoo? Great idea!}

{via}

{And, if you all get a moment.... 

I'd LOVE a vote! :D}

{If you have a Wordless{ish} Wednesday, please feel free to link it up below. BY the way: Shawntae from A Little King and I now share our Wednesday Linky's. :D. And, feel free to link up to these blogs too... 5 Minutes For Mom, Parenting by Dummies, Project Alicia, Supermom, And Then She Snapped, and Live and Love Outloud.}

{Hey! Don't forget to check out my sponsor me button below! Yeah! Lots of great advertising deals!}

♡ Chelsey

60 Day Shred. Whoa. Yup.

Yeeeeaaaaaaah... I've been doing the 30 Day Shred for 60 days now! While it's been amazing in helping me get back in shape... I'm so bored of it (and starting to get very annoyed with Jillian ;D). So... time to start something new. I've started slacking in the working out department... the last 2 weeks I've only worked out 4 days of the week.

I don't know what... but, I need something new. It needs to be:

- 20 minutes a day... <---- I know... but, I just wont do it otherwise. :D

- I need it on DVD or Netflix. I have to have someone yelling at me to keep working out. :)

- Not too much jumping. My poor old knees can't handle it. I've had to adjust each Jillian workout.

So... I just need to find the perfect workout. Any suggestions? I'm thinking I may mix up my days a bit. A pilates DVD one day... a cardio the next... and them maybe some crazy ab workout? I'm not done getting in shape. Jess from IROCKSOWHAT mentioned this Insanity workout... I think I'll mix that in somewhere... probably not EVERYDAY... but, mixed into my crazy workout plan. :)

Ok... here are my before photos from 60ish days ago... There are differences in my belly for sure... But, mostly I think I just look healthier (I feel healthier. :D):

So... I don't notice too much of a change in my face from day 30 to day 60...

So, I took some measurements (meh, didn't like doing that) on May 2nd, 2011. AND, again on June 28th, 2011. Here's what I've lost:
- Bust: Same. Hee.
- Hips: -2"
- Belly: -2.5"
- Waist: - 1.5"
- Arm: +1" (all those muscles. ;D)
- Calf: -.25
- Weight: -7lbs

I'm happy with how far I've come... but, I still have more to go. :) I have a pair of pants that I fit into last summer that I want to fit in again! They didn't even go up over my bum before I started working out. BUT, I can now pull them up and button them.... they are super tight though. I'm hoping in a month to fit in them again! :D

I'm linking up here:

Can my super awesome living healthy success get a vote for my blog? :D Thanks!

♡ Chelsey

Super glue.

So... Ruari has always been super attached to me. BUT, it's getting a little crazy. I know she's only 18 months... but, she wants be to carry her everywhere. And, if I don't pick her up right when she wants... it's complete meltdown city.

She's even started freaking out if Mike picks her up instead of me (when she's asking for me). It's wearing me down. Of course I love her beyond anything... but, wow. It's tough. And, everyone tells me to enjoy her cuddles now while I can... but, it's all day everyday.

It's worse at night... probably because she's tired. It's just really wearing on me. I feel like I really can't get anything done during the day with her. Then, I feel guilty when I have a friend babysitter so I can get things done. Ugh.

I'm sure this is probably normal for her age, but I don't quite know what I'm doing. I don't want to reward her grumpy behavior, but it's hard to ignore her meltdowns and not soothe her...

She's super glued to me.

If you have a moment I'd love a vote from you. AND, don't forget to check out our Pacific Northwest Blogger's Meetup info page!

♡ Chelsey

Catching up on 8 weeks to a better me.

The ALWAYS sweet Danielle from Sometimes Sweet started this inspiring 8 Weeks to a Better Me blog series. Each week an inspiring blogger chooses three inspiring things to do in their lives based on a certain topic. From their... we, the readers... can join in and follow Danielle's 3 prompts for the week (which you can totally change each prompt to work for you).

I had EVERY intention of following this weekly and keeping up with it... but, as life would have it: I didn't. We are now hitting week 5. While I did DO some of the prompts listed... I haven't blogged about them. Today: I blog. This post is a quick catch up to the previous 4 weeks of 8 Weeks to a Better Me.

Week 1: Blogging: Inspired by the lovely couple Local Honey and Adeline's Daddy...

1) Blog about one local restaurant that I love.
One of our favorite family friendly restaurants to wander to is the Lucky Lab. It's a local brewery/pizza pub. And, SUPER family friendly. We love it. And, when we can... and if it's a nice day we like to head over to have a drink and a slice of pizza... all while sitting outside. :)

{Ruari and I enjoying the weather at Lucky Lab. May 4th.}

2) Take my camera out more than I already do to capture more day to day moments.

So... I totally stayed with this goal because... well: I'm crazy about my camera. AND.... I'm already taking at least one photo EVERY day this year. AND: I haven't fallen behind! Yay me! Here's a link to my flickr 365. I still need to tag some more photos for it... but, I haven't missed a day yet!

{Ruari during bathtime. I love this photo. May 5th.}

3) Finish the guest posts that are on my plate.
Yes.... so, I'm still working on this! I am a little behind. :) But, so far everyone that I'm behind on getting my guests posts too... are very sweet. :D I'm working on them! :D Here's a guest post I finished that week for Little Gray Pixel for a Mother's Day series.

Week 2: Fitness and health: Inspired by the beautiful Amber from I Love You to the Moon...

1) Switch out two of my gym days for outdoor exercise. (I need more fresh air!)
My gym these days is in my living room... I've been doing the 30 Day Shred from Jillian Michael's for the last month. I get up at 5:30am... press snooze for like 30 minutes... :)... then I work out. The weather has been so crappy it's really hard to get out and exercise outside. But, I do try and take Ruari on a walk when it's not raining. :)

2) Change my eating habits.

And, I did. I eat smaller portioned meals more often throughout the day. I basically eat like 7 times a day. And, I'm totally satisfied. And, drink LOTS of water... that's a hard one to remember.

3) Walk Angus more. 
My poor little Chihuahua is getting a little chunky. He needs more exercise. I haven't done so well on this goal. The weather getting better would help.


Week 3: Healthy eating: Inspired by the lovely Tracy of Shutterbean...

1) Eat fruit everyday!

AND... I did it. Even if all we had was applesauce... I made sure to get more fruit in my diet! For whatever reason after Ruari was born I lost pretty much all interest in fruit. Maybe a hormonal thing... I don't know. :) BUT, I'm eating fruit now!

2) Don't eat as much cheese.

Do you know how hard this has been for me? Oh man. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. love. cheese. Which... is probably why I gained weight so fast after I finished pumping for Ruari. Hmmm... :) So, while I haven't completely cut cheese out of my life (that would be mean to my belly)... I hardly eat it anymore. Just the occasional sprinkle of feta, blue cheese, or parmesan here and there.

3) Drink at least 3 bottle of water a day.

I'd love to say that I've kept up with this... but, I haven't. I drink so much tea throughout the day... I just forget! But, I will keep up with this. I will!!! ::runs off to drink some water::

Week 4: Loving yourself: Inspired by the sweet Kaelah Bee of Little Chief Honeybee...

1. Find something that makes you feel good!

My thing that makes me feel good... is my daily cup of tea. I just love it. It wakes me up... it's warm... it's tasty. I love holding a warm mug of tea and really just spacing out!

2. For every negative thought you think about yourself, think a positive one!

Those darn negative thoughts! EVERYONE has them. I've truly made an effort to think of something positive each time I think negatively. It can be hard on a rough day... but, I feel like it makes me feel better.

3. Dress up just because!

I LOVE this. I don't feel like I'm all that stylish... but, I do love clothes and SHOES!!! I've made a goal to participate in Harper's Happenings Steppin' Out Saturday each week. It at least gets me out of my jammies. :)

4. Update/add more inventory to My Closet!

Like many other bloggers out there... I've started a closet. I've wanted to get a little more organized with it... but, I haven't yet. And... I still have a TON to add to it. I will work on this and get it updated! I'm feeling like I may need to move this to a "shop" location. Just to organize it. I offer swap/shop options. :D Check out my closet!

Alright! I caught myself up! Yay! Week 5 coming soon... :)

♡ Chelsey


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Spreading the news via email!

Just a little note before you read on... I am NOT preggo! :D I can't get pregnant anymore due to safety issues... I just wanted to remember the day I found out I was pregnant with Ruari. Enjoy!

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Back in May 6th, 2009... here I was totally nauseous and exhausted... Yes, of course the day before was Cinco De Mayo and my friends did keep me out late... but, I shouldn't be feeling as sick as I was. May 5th is my Bff's (Courtney) birthday. We went to celebrate her birthday at a local Irish Pub (yup, on Cinco de Mayo :D). I just kept saying... "I'm SO tired. I can barely keep my eyes open. I don't know if I can keep going to celebrate your day. I should go home." Well, I didn't go home I stayed out with my friends.

Well, back to May 6th, 2009. I'm so nauseous. So sick. Why? Well... hmm... maybe I'm pregnant? No. Maybe? I dig deep in my drawers and find an old Dollar Tree pregnancy test. I pee on it. Two lines. Wha? No way. I call Kelsey.... she says, "A line is a line. You're pregnant!" Me: "Wha?" I don't know... I call Courtney and she suggest I go to the doctor or buy more tests.

Well... I did both. Ha! Of course the doctor confirming it was the for sure: "Duh, you're preggo.". So... here I am with 5 positive pregnancy tests. I'm WAY too impatient to do some elaborate bun in the oven display to announce the pregnancy... So, I take a photo of the tests together. Here it is:

Now what do I do with this? Occasionally I think I'm pretty funny... so, I thought it would be hilarious to send a group Email to my best girls and a separate email to Mike with no subject and the only sentence, "Please see attached." I attached the photo.

Within minutes I had responses from my friends that still make me smile. "Are you serious? This isn't some joke." "Hey! I need more info!" "Really? OMG! Congrats!" and so on...

The best response was from Mike. He called me and said, "Hey. Soo. What's that photo?" I told him I was pregnant. Mike: "Oh. Huh. Ok." Ha! Later when he got home he was so excited and was ready to tell his parents. I just love the shock my email gave him.

I've had an email address for SO long (since I was maybe 13) I don't even know what I would do without it! Imagine how it will be for our kids! It's a part of they're lives from the beginning. I love that I could spread my good news with one small sentence, a photo, and a click. That's it. I love this little I'm sorry video from Yahoo! How would your life be without email?

❤ Chelsey




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Thank you to Yahoo! Mail for sponsoring this post about staying connected. I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as I do.

Things I've said as a mom... that I never thought I would say... Part 2

Back in January I did part 1 of this ongoing series... check it out here. Many of you mama's out there are probably like me... some of the things we say seem normal at the time... but, when you really think about it... it's not. Yeah, we're all crazy! ;) Here are a few of the things I've said recently:

Oh, and if you have a moment... I'd love a vote for my blog for top 25 Baby Blogs. :D Just click the button below and give me a thumbs up! :D

❤ Chelsey


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What would you do?

So, earlier today I was walking down memory lane (in my lovely head) and sort of wandered into the dirty mean alley of my memories. When I was younger I had a friend... she moved into a home 2 houses up from me when I was in 4th grade. We were the same age... so, of course we became friends.

I was a pretty shy kid. It was hard for me to put myself out there and meet/make friends. When this girl came a long and my parents introduced us... it was so easy. So... our friendship began.

With time she became very controlling... she was very jealous if I made other friends... I went into 7th grade with really only her as a friend. I was friendly with other people... but, really... she was it.

Long story short... she was very emotionally abusive. Some examples: I remember her seeing a "roll" on my belly and telling me I was fat (I was not). She talked about how her teeth were naturally straight and mine were crooked (I got braces later when I was 20). I would lie to her and tell her she looked good just so she wouldn't get mad at me... but, she would later get pissed at me because she thought I lied to her (which I did ;) ). I told her a girl at school was really mean in class... she told this girl what I said and the girl confronted me and pushed me against the locker (Yeah, this girl is still mean btw). She made me cry so many times I can't even count... she was, and probably still is, a horrible person (yes... my REAL friend worked with her for a couple of weeks this last year... and she was awful. She lied a lot.).

Eventually (when I was 16) I realized that I didn't have to be friends with her... to sit with her (and only her and her friends) at lunch... I could hang out with other people! So, one day... I just said f-this! I completely ditched her. That was THE best decision I made of my younger years. She was headed down the drain and dragging me with her.  I got out!

I began spending more time with my other friends (which... I am still completely best friends with... they are the most amazing girls ever. All 8 of them!)... and I was so happy! The old mean friend moved to another school and I haven't seen her since I was 17. Thank goodness... But, I had been a "friend" with her from 10 - 16.

So... this brings me to my questions... what would you do? How do you prepare your daughter (or son) for this? To be independent and stand up for themselves? I was so unhappy with this friendship I had... I cried so many times... but, I wasn't strong enough to say, "This is crap. I am worth more. This is abuse. I am a great person. I don't have to worry about her feelings and I don't have to be her friend." It took my amazing girlfriends to help me realize this.

How do you help your children realize their potential? Ruari is very quiet and cautious... She wont let go of me in big crowds. I make an effort to never say, "She's shy." or "She's just a little timid." But, it does pop out sometimes. I don't want to tell her this is what she is. I want her to be strong and believe in her self. I know I can't control how her future will go... but, I want her to know she is amazing and can choose her friends. She does not need to put up with that abuse.

Sorry about the downer post today... but, it was such a large part of my teenage years...

❤ Chelsey


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It's been a year...

Yup. On Friday the first it was my 1 year blog anniversary. Yup... 1 year! I can't believe it. My first blog post was nothing too exciting... but, I managed to blog at least 5 times a week for the entire year... and 5 times was a slow week.

I love blogging and I'm so happy I started my Paper Mama blog. I had my Paper Lady blog that I've been writing since 2008... but, decided late last year that I didn't really feel like the paper LADY anymore... So, I haven't blogged the paper lady blog for a while now.... The Paper Mama is my blog home.

I remember the day I started this blog... It had been an EXTREMELY tough week emotionally... my post par tum depression was so bad. I need some sort of outlet. Somewhere to meet other mama's that were like me. I entered "The Paper Mama" into blogger... and it was available... So... that's where it started. :)

I am so happy with where this blog has taken me... and I can't wait to see where I go next! :D I love this mama/photography/crafty/blogging world. Thank you!

Stay tuned for quite a few awesome giveaways! I plan to start the first one a little bit later today! Yay! I wast to win! But, I can't...

❤ Chelsey


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